Every evening, I take stock of the day just passed. This, in recovery speak, is called 'doing inventory'. I write down my fears from the day, any moments of anger or resentment, and I also make a list of things that I am grateful for.

Today I did my inventory for the whole week, and the results were at first uncomfortable, and then a huge relief. My defects (usually subtle) are these:

1. Jealousy
A subtle foe, and one that I conceal spectacularly well, jealousy gives me that sick feeling at the bottom of my stomach before it winds its way up to my throat and consumes me entirely. I like to think that I'm not a jealous person, but experience has taught me to be aware and this can manifest itself ridiculously in hideous insecurity.

It's a beyotch.

2. Irrational fear
This one is the mother of jealousy and pride combined. The fear that this will happen and then they'll react like this and by the end of the day this will have emerged and my life will be over. I swear, if my life played itself out exactly as it happens in my head then I'd have the gun in my mouth in a second.

Okay, so only two so far today. Add to that my tendency to isolate and my not telling someone when something's up, and you have it. That's me.

Look back, learn, but don't stare.