A few things on my mind...

1. Phasing in normal eating is remarkably hard. The logical and the emotional collide and bicker around this issue. The logical: you're going to have to eat more, this is not healthy. The emotional: but I've just managed to super-skinny-self-pimp myself minus 10 lbs in 2 weeks! Why does anyone eat anything ever when it just makes them fat? Don't dare eat normally again! The logical: your bmi was normal before, it's still normal but you lost weight you didn't necessarily need to lose and therefore maintaining this weight is the best way forward. The emotional: but if I can lose that amount of weight in that amount of time, imagine what I can do in another 2 weeks of restricting!

The battle continues. I do have to be very careful, as an addict (ugh, I've come to hate that word and find comfort in it in equal measure) that such a pattern doesn't get out of control. My counsellor says 'work your recovery programme with it'; use the tools that helped me stop drinking and drugging to help me eat and view food 'normally'. This is advice that I really need to take on board.

2. Self-centredness is a skank. Not just mine this time! Now, I refer primarily to the self-involvement of two (in particular) close friends, allied with my own, which has been dragging me down in these last few days. Do I feel in any way guilty for writing this? I suppose I should, but this here is an outlet for honesty, and honest I shall endeavour to be.

It's just hard to spend an hour in the day listening to nothing else but the intimate details of various minor medical ailments, while I eat my lunch. It's also not great to hear said two friends argue for 30 minutes over whether or not it's possible to do a decent food shop without owning a van. I kid not.

Writing about such feels and sounds bitchy, but - as I keep telling you and myself - it's honest.

3. Career. I can't even think about this without wanting to scream and be 14 again, when such things seemed distant and dreamily in the future and luxurious.

4. Him. Jeez, I really love him. It smells very strongly of some sort of very strong cheese, but I've actually never felt like that about someone before.

Example 1: I send him a photo of something silly, to see if the photo messaging facility on my phone is operational. He sends me back a funny picture of himself holding a duck ornament. I smile and my heart does that little jump thing (or is that just all the low-carb shakes taking their toll?) and I feel slightly nervous, as if in the photo he is looking at me.

Example 2: He smiles at me and I blush involuntarily. This happens when I try to look demure and indifferent, he smiles at me and with all the power I have I try to only do a slight sly smile back. But it never works. I cannot control my smile-back reflex when he smiles at me. Damn.

Long post.