Getting focused: I've made some decisions in the last few days.
1. I will not carry other people's resentments around with me; it's not my baggage to carry.
1. I will not carry other people's resentments around with me; it's not my baggage to carry.
2. I will go to Brazil for 1 - 2 months over summer, then return to these shores to find employment/start employment and build upon my partially laid foundations.
3. I will stick to my guns on all matters about which I feel strongly (including my right to follow a low-carb diet) and not let people interfere (unless, obviously, the situation is serious)
4. I will do the best damn job I can at
a) being a good teacher for the next few months
b) showing people that there is a solution to addiction, and that if I can live in the solution, so can any other addict after me.
It's true to say that I have had a lot of time to think recently, being on holiday. Whether it has done me any good whatsoever is a whole other debate. Sylvia Plath, in her novel The Bell Jar, imagines her life as growing tree with hopeful branches, flowers blooming before her eyes. One branch is the man she'll marry, another is a flourishing literary career, another is a stint in academia, another represents her children and family life. She stares at the branches for too long and feels she is watching helplessly as they they wither and die before her eyes: opportunity, hope and possibility fade and fade out. This is not unlike how I have felt, on occasion, in the last few weeks.
Though I, it would seem, have the world at my feet in terms of a man I love, an education that my foremothers fought to make damn sure I got, and a wardrobe to rival Allegra Versace (though no, I'm still not a size 0), I have been missing one crucial thing; something that the rest of the world seems to develop around the age of 17, something of which I've never had ownership or - in fact - any association: focus.
So how to rearrange the branches. Career: I have opportunities at my fingertips, if only I reach out and snatch them. This takes guts. It takes the bravery and honesty to admit that I was wrong in the first place, and that a career change is necessary if not absolutely life-or-death.
Love: I have a rather excellent boyfriend with whom, as I stated previously, I am in love, and who loves me too. Back. Aswell. Whatever :D
Money: this is not such a thriving area of my life, though I don't have concerns as such and it is under control. So that's the main thing.
Sanity and gratitude: this I have in plentiful amounts, no kidding.
Are these my branches? What do I do with these things? What happens next?
How do I maintain focus? Any suggestions are most welcome :)
4. I will do the best damn job I can at
a) being a good teacher for the next few months
b) showing people that there is a solution to addiction, and that if I can live in the solution, so can any other addict after me.
It's true to say that I have had a lot of time to think recently, being on holiday. Whether it has done me any good whatsoever is a whole other debate. Sylvia Plath, in her novel The Bell Jar, imagines her life as growing tree with hopeful branches, flowers blooming before her eyes. One branch is the man she'll marry, another is a flourishing literary career, another is a stint in academia, another represents her children and family life. She stares at the branches for too long and feels she is watching helplessly as they they wither and die before her eyes: opportunity, hope and possibility fade and fade out. This is not unlike how I have felt, on occasion, in the last few weeks.
Though I, it would seem, have the world at my feet in terms of a man I love, an education that my foremothers fought to make damn sure I got, and a wardrobe to rival Allegra Versace (though no, I'm still not a size 0), I have been missing one crucial thing; something that the rest of the world seems to develop around the age of 17, something of which I've never had ownership or - in fact - any association: focus.
So how to rearrange the branches. Career: I have opportunities at my fingertips, if only I reach out and snatch them. This takes guts. It takes the bravery and honesty to admit that I was wrong in the first place, and that a career change is necessary if not absolutely life-or-death.
Love: I have a rather excellent boyfriend with whom, as I stated previously, I am in love, and who loves me too. Back. Aswell. Whatever :D
Money: this is not such a thriving area of my life, though I don't have concerns as such and it is under control. So that's the main thing.
Sanity and gratitude: this I have in plentiful amounts, no kidding.
Are these my branches? What do I do with these things? What happens next?
How do I maintain focus? Any suggestions are most welcome :)
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