Doin' a Lily

I do hate to do a Lily, but here it is. I feel fat. I feel ugly. I sit here having consumed two slices of low carb bread and some raspberry jam, and this brings my total carb count for the day to approx. 25grams. I feel so unbelievably fat when I eat. When I restrict, I don't feel fat. Tonight, I am alone with my head.

I'm obviously not always like this. If I was always like this, I'd have had one nervous breakdown per week for the last 15 years. But occasionally my head gets in and I do have these days/moments.

Tonight and today, things have happened. It's frustrating that I can't be specific on here, suffice to say that various factors have amalgamated and the result is now emotional and mental anguish.

Factor 1.
Today I was told that soon I will be going into hospital to have a fairly serious procedure done.

Factor 2.
Someone in my immediate family is living in the illness that I, by the grace of an HP, have been relieved of.

Factor 3.
Everyone else in my immediate family is now caught up in the poisonous snare of that poisonous illness, and everyone seems to be breaking down in various ways.

These things make me feel fat and ugly...um...why is this? No clue.

But tonight I am alone with the addict active inside me. I don't crave any mind-altering substance, that desire has long since been lifted from me, but I do want someone to hug me right now and tell me that it's going to be ok. Or I want to be Frodo; I want a Samwise. I know there are several Sams, but I want one here now, with me.


Anyway, on a positive note, I did have a magnificent time away this week and my time with the Boy was fantastic. Sigh. He is very wonderful. You see, it's these things - the magnificent things in life - that are so quickly forgotten when things seem to get tough. Chin up, Princess :)