Agenda

Life these days is composed of lists and agendas. It's like I can't even conceive of something until I see it on paper, can't even begin to tackle it before it's written down. Then, it has to be written down in order; then with times next to each task, in order that I may begin to set about living my day.

Today's agenda was lengthy, yet not unusual:

* Fill out blue forms
* Fill out pink forms
* Photocopy worksheets for second period
* Write article for third period
* Phone the doctor
* Fill out report on disruptive child
* Write report on child who expressed his desire to kill me yesterday
* Write report on child who wrote about his desire to kill me today
* Distribute reports to necessary parties
* Collect yesterday's Poetry posters to take to period 4
* Collect boxfiles of stories for period 4
* Make list of prompt questions for my form group
* Buy eye make-up remover
* Fill out salmon-peach forms

Go home.

I did all of these things, except buy eye make-up remover.

This listy organisation is probably a good thing, except now I have started organising my leisure time into lists also. Tonight, for example:

* Eat some dinner
* Do a half hour workout
* Write something here
* Read for 40 minutes
* Plan one lesson
* Have a bath (remember new bubble bath)
* Contemplate existence and life

Is this something I should be worried about? This morning, on the way to work, I was so paralysed with worry that the only thing I could do was close my eyes and wait for the day to happen.

Thursday is my busiest and my most anxious day. Today is a good example of a day survived and conquered, barely. My mind is clever, and tries to help me out; it directs my anxiety to other areas of my being and focuses my attention elsewhere to prevent me actually going mad. Today, my teeth ached. This often happens on a Thursday, and then I start worrying about it, and at the end of the day my teeth feel fine.

I don't get anxious about the actual job, but the constant fear of someone asking me something that I know nothing about - did I fill in such and such a form, or did I report this student for doing this, or have I taught this class this yet - absolutely gets me. And my teeth, too. There was a point today where I actually thought I would have to walk away from the whole situation, to just walk away from the responsibility of the whole day.

However, I didn't. I'll go back tomorrow and do it all again, for one last day before the weekend. And my teeth feel better now. And I got my eye make up off without too much of a struggle.

Anyway, trip to Leeds Castle on Saturday should be fun :)